The legal realities have recently changed. Here are some strong words about relationship hygiene, or when it's OK to go for it and when it's not. Hopefully, you will make this your new mantra:
An agreement to kiss is not an agreement to have intercourse. It never has been. Fucking requires a separate level of consent than making out. Likewise, feeling each other up and finding a vagina to be wet is not consent to put a penis in it.
If a potential partner doesn't want sex every bit as much as you do, go home and masturbate. If the relationship is worth it, phone the next day and talk things over.
If you need to convince someone to have sex with you, then it's the wrong person, time or place. If someone needs to convince you to have sex with them, then it's the wrong person, time or place.
This book rarely repeats itself, so you might take serious note about the following, which is also in the chapter on rape.
Until the last twenty years, people thought of rape as something that was committed by a stranger who lurked in the shadows or pried a woman's bedroom window open. No one used to think of it as something your date did after you agreed to go upstairs to his bedroom and the two of you started making out. But as researchers interviewed more women, they started hearing accounts of when men went beyond that, in spite of the woman's protests.
There are men who are adept at engaging women in kissing or petting, and then raping them in the same manner as "traditional" rapists who lurk in corners. Men like these can come from wealthy families who are on the social A-lists. They can be sports heroes. They can be divinity students at your local Bible college.
To help prevent date rape, the courts have had to push the limits of what consent is into a somewhat artificial and awkward place. Until we find a better solution, the new definition of consent will be the law of the land. The onus of stopping sexplay now rests on the male the moment a woman says, "Stop!" or "Maybe I should go" or "This doesn't feel good." She may have agreed to have intercourse, but if she changes her mind after 300 thrusts, the man had better pull out on thrust number 301 as opposed to number 306.
Males who do not take this seriously should read the recent decision for the State of California Supreme Court called People v. John Z. In that case, a woman had agreed to have intercourse, but at some point during the intercourse, she indicated that she might want to go. She didn't say "Stop" or "I don't want to keep doing this." The court found that she was raped because the man did not stop the moment she indicated a change of heart, or change of pelvis. Interestingly, it was a female member of the court who dissented.
Making sure that a woman can legally consent to sex is now the job of the male, and it is very different from what you might think. For instance, even if a woman bought the first two rounds of drinks or brought the pot and rolled the joints, she is not legally able to consent to sex if she has been drinking or smoking. This can be true even if she is the one who went down on the man until he got hard and she put his dick in herself.
Also, it doesn't matter if both of you were equally drunk or stoned: this does not excuse the male from the burden of realizing that a woman who has been drinking or smoking cannot legally consent to sex. Just the fact that she has been drinking before intercourse makes it sexual assault in some states. Also, it is not legal in many situations to have sex with a woman if you are her boss, her teacher, her minister, her physician or her coach.
Do not assume a woman is playing a game when she hesitates or says "No." And never, ever try to win her over with pressure or persuasiveness. The courts have made it clear that this will not be tolerated. In the absence of a woman making it completely clear that she wants sex, a man needs to assume that sex is neither desired nor is it legal. Prison is no place where you want to be, and it's easy to find yourself there if you push sex on another person.
(continued in the book)
